I’m back! …no more twisted friendships…

This is still a hobby and project blog, however… I’m a pretty upfront and direct person sometimes. I have a lot going on.

I started another blog to cover political propaganda and the world going mad, and it still has zero views. There’s little interest perhaps. Instead I am trying to follow a more practical path and actively use my talents to deliver content that people have proven they want to see. I’m going to use my authentic voice and not make everything nice and clean necessarily. There will be plenty of art and miniatures to post, but also some deeper and more controversial content. I’ve been trying to figure out how to combine all my creative endeavors into one project and have decided on a choice driven RPG video game. The setting is fantastical and a slow labor of love for decades, bnut also a venue to tell stories about the people alive now and the times we are in. I think that merits more than the usual flimsy and polite comments about what’s being made. This will be made more clear once I post about the game.

While covering a lot of topics now as notes on what happened and what is to come, most future posts will be sticking to more of a focus and will be tagged for easy access.

But there’s a little house cleaning and then some old related drama to address.

So what happened? This blog has been dormant for a decade. And yet it has over 100.000 lifetime views. Way more attention than any other platform I have been on. I’m coming back to share wargaming and modeling projects, but also as a home for content and notes about my upcoming game Nykaran Tales.

Drama? Yes. But not amusing fireworks, instead a slow ugly burn. Someone raised to be loving and forgiving can be a slow learner. When you love someone as a friend and they are the most fun person to be around you have ever met, it’s tempting to overlook certain things. I overlooked a lot, and from a lot of people too. That doesn’t happen any more, but at what cost?

I lost friends from needing help, from making mistakes while incapacitated, and from drawing firm boundaries. Some didn’t like me at my weakest, and some didn’t like me getting stronger and standing up to them. I lost dozens of friends in another situation to badmouthing and coordinated shunning. I am not innocent in all those situations but expecting basic respect is something I will always insist on. And while I miss people dearly they aren’t always who I thought they were or wanted them to be.

How it relates to this blog: Long story shorter, a former friend invited me to transfer this blog over to his site, which he promised would give me way more traffic. After considerable hassle I was able to do so and began posting there. Over time my content was hidden away and then eventually deleted. No explanation was ever given after initial excuses and that damaged my trust with this person even further. I then realized that one of my best friends who had lied, stolen from, and abused me from time to time over the years had always showed this pattern of mixing kindness with cruelty. I find it heartbreaking to lose close friends that I loved like brothers and now they are gone, by my choice or theirs. But not everyone wanted me to hold them to any standards.

Maybe this is a poor intro for pitching any products or sharing what I have been up to. But like I said at the top, I’m not one to just play pretend when we’re not actually playing a game. Nowadays in my life I look at things directly and call them what they are– not always out loud, courtesy still matters– but I have made a firm resolution not to live in delusion as I see so many other people doing. If me getting real is off putting to some, so be it. I’m not an edgelord out to offend on purpose nor totally careless, on the contrary: I seek to engage with the world as I find it to be and report back as accurately as I can, exactly because I care. It’s easy to lie, reality takes work.

I am going to be great at being me and lousy at imitating others.

You know, if some of these jokers had ever once given me or anyone else real apology, I might be a little more willing and ready to let things go. But no remorse = no honor, and I cannot associate with such a person. No remorse means there’s nothing stopping them from hurting you again except whatever consequences you might come up with. I live with a borderline neurotic and pathological sense of guilt that visits from time to time. I should send him over to the narcissists for a little chat.

Posts going forward will generally have a more fun and positive note. But you the audience should know that I am intense as an author and artist and human. The only way forward is through and I’m going to lean into it instead of hiding who I am, what I think, and what I can do. Everyone is free to agree or disagree as they see fit, but any comments here must be baseline respectful for all the reasons I have outlined above.

Bear with me and it will be worth it. I have an alternative to the shallow retreads and copy-pastes of today’s fiction.

Oh yeah… I also have one of the best and biggest terrain and converted miniatures collection, worldwide, ready to be photographed. But the lads are camera shy and demanding touchups. We’ll see….

About chaosgerbil

I'm an artist and hobbyist.
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